Doomguy Goes to College to Get a Degree in Marketing
by windowmaker69
Summary: Being a college student is hard. You suffer from sleep deprivation, you have to deal with the stress of knowing you probably won't be able pay off your student loans, and you don't get enough free time to hang out with people as much as you used to. When Doomguy arrives at Hogwarts he is ready to rip and tear, but will college rip and tear Doomguy?
1. Monday

"Doomguy Goes to College to get a Degree in Marketing"

by Anonymous Friend and Windowmaker69

AN: This "story" was made by my friend and I each writing a line or two for it over a messaging app. Enjoy

One day doomguy woke up and needed to take a dump, So he went to the restroom, only to discover it was a mess. Late in the night some dastardly fiend had come in , eaten fast food, had a little bit of pot, painted on a paper plate, and left like a ninja in the night. But Doomguy expected his roommate Master Chief to be behind this pigsty. Doom guy can not speak but grunted and the grunt is such a grunt that can be roughly perceived as "DAMNIT master chief and his late night Pizza planet plots, pot, and paper plate painting". Since the restroom was unusable, Doomguy decided to take a shit on Master Chiefs face and head to the dining hall.

When doom guy got to the dining hall master chief was no where in sight. Doomguy didn't give enough of a shit to look for him, so Doomguy grabbed a bowl of raspberry oatmeal and a cup of chocolate almond milk and sat down at the closest table. Doomguy didn't want to take off his badass mask so instead he just promptly pored his breakfast onto his head and absorbed the nutrients. "Hey Doomguy!" said Issac Clarke, his face covered in scrambled eggs and vanilla bean mocha. Doomguy just stared at issac Clark . These new guys don't know shit. "Are you ready for Professor Manny Pardo's Calculus exam?" Inquired Issac. Doomguy shrugged, bits of raspberry oatmeal falling into his lap.

"Hey guys, you ready for the Calculus exam?" asked Chief, still absorbing the nutritients of the shit. Doomguy angrily stared at master chief and stood up and continued staring at master chief. Master Chief realized he made a fatal mistake. Doomguy realized he made a fatal mistake. Issac took a sip of coffee, but since he had his mask on, he spilled coffee all over himself. Issac , having a fetish for hit liquids on his body, had to leave very suddenly.

Will Doomguy pass his exam? Will Master Chief survive Doomguy's rage? Will Issac Clarke finish his orgasm before class starts? Find out after I drink this entire bottle of cold medicine!


	2. Cumming for Calculus

Chapter 2: Cumming For Calculus

By the time Doomguy and Chief got to the room where their exam was going to be held, all of their classmates/fellow failures were lined up in front of the door. Doomguy was impatient and wanted in now and pushed his to the front of the line.

"Hey asshole!" shouted Sans, his right eye glowing with energy.

Sans looked and awful lot like a revenant so doomguy promptly utterly annihilated sans to minimal applause from the other failures.

"What the fuck?!" screamed Papyrus, as "Disbelief" played in the background. (like if u crai evrytim)

"ANOTHER REVENANT" doomguy nonverbally grunted to himself as he then charged towards papyrus and crushed all of his bones in one fell swoop, this time receiving more applause

Undyne, who was at the end of the line of 57 people, fapt ominously.

Doomguy, with his superior hearing , heard the fapping and gave undyne a thumbs up and then turned to look at the locked door. All of a sudden, Issac Clarke walked over to Doomguy in a way that made it seem like Issac received a huge wedgie. Doomguy promptly gave issac Clark a wedgie. Now issac had a reason to be walking funny.

"Thanks man, now I have a reason to be walking funny! You're a true friend." Issac said, the semen on his armor glistening like the moon

Doomguy gave issac a thumbs up and nodded. The door opened, revealing the majestic form of the tall, dark, and thicc Manny Pardo. Doomguy didn't care and just barged into the classroom to sit down and wait for something to happen. Manny Pardo stared intensely at Doomguy with his sexy green eyes. Doomguy stared intently back. With his helmet.

When everyone took their seats, Manny Pardo yelled, "Listen up, fuckers, this exam is worth 69% of your total grade in this class."

A unanimous "EYYYYYYYY" was heard from the class.

all of a sudden, Manny Pardo's chitseled face formed an expression of confusion as he sniffed the air.

Doomguy made a subtle toot. He was bored.

However, Manny Pardo smelled the smelly smell coming from the back of the room where Issac was sitting; so Manny stretch his snek-like tongue all the way over to Issac to touch his armor with his y shaped tongue.

After five minutes of Manny touching Issac's armour with his sexy reptilian tongue, he passed out the exams.

All the students worked their decently hardest on the exam, And in this particular circumstance decently hardest means that half the students tried to do the exams but got bored, half the students did most of the exam, and half the students were so turned on by the tongue shenanigans that they subtly tried pleasuring themselves.

After an hour, Manny Pardo said, "Put down your pencils students. I haven't mentioned this before, but I am highly allergic to semen, eggs, and coffee so it is very likely that I will die or be in the hospital for a few months. You all pass! I hope to see you all next semenester!"

Doomguy knew having eggs that morning for dinner was an ace decision

Doomguy decided to go back to his dorm and watch Sausage Party (his favorite movie ever), so he got up and walked out of the room with the other students, next to Manny Pardo who was vomiting lime green vomit which matched his eyes perfectly

As he was walking back to his dorm to watch his most favorite garbage doomguy came across footsteps that looked and awful lot like master chiefs.

Omnious music started to play as he followed them.

Doomguy subtly followed the footsteps more until he came to a decently sized apartment.

Doom entered the apartments lobby only to be met with the hawt sight of Master Chief having an orgy with anime waifus

Doomguy just stood their in awe, Subtly as not to be noticed of course.

All of a sudden, a familiar said, "Who invented Doomguy?"

Doomguy shugfed . He didn't know who invented him.

"I didn't invite him, if that's what you meant." Said a frat boi correcting the mistake autocorrect has caused

Doomguy was stuck in a existential thought until frat boi correct the mistake autocorrect has caused said something

The aforementioned familiar voice belonged to Nicolas Cage.

Doomguy was confused why Nicolas cage had asked why doom guy was invented. That kinda hurt doom guys feelings

Doomguy punched and killed frat boi correct the mistake autocorrect has caused out of frustration.

"did you enjoy the remodeling I did with your restroom" asked Nick Cage

Doomguy raged with anger and promptly pounded frat boi correct the mistake autocorrect has caused because doomguy liked Nicolas cages movies to much

Doomguy then took a shit on the corspe he just punched, the impressive hotdog made of mud getting onto frat boi's exposed brain tissue

Nicolas cage stood in awe.

Master Chief also stood up in awe, with a male Pikachu's anus stuck on his dick and a bottle of rum up his ass.

It was quite the sudden shocking sensation when Steve (the male pikachu) stuck on chiefs stick subtlety splooged swiftly into nic cage as chief shat sweetly.

"Damnit Steve" said everyone in the room.

"Damnit" said steve softly succumbing to chiefs Chief.

Steve and another extra who doesn't matter dragged the body of Frat Boi down to the laundry room to melt the body in acid.

Doomguy tried talking to Nicolas cage but the grunts got caught in his throat and doomguy instead just made his helmet blush

"Well it looks like we have two openings in our fraternity. Chief, would you like to ditch your loser roommate and live with us?" Nicolas Cage mouthspeaked.

Doomguy subtly cheered.

"Yeah sure! Fuck Doomguy! Fuck him up his tender, bony, ass!" Responded Master Chief.

Doomguy did not quite know what he got himself into so he politely excused him self to the restroom.

Doomguy entered the restroom, which had 124 Glade air fresheners.

Doomguy stared in awe as he struggled to find where exactly the nearest window was.

He finally found a window and leaned out of it to vomit due the air fresheners, the vomit hitting Logan Paul on his unsuspecting head.

At first the young mentally challenged Paul was fine until the vomit turned out to be acidic due to Doomguy haven eaten alien eggs for dinner that morning. The slow and maladjusted Logan died due to painful acid burns a few hours later.

Doomguy stormed out of the lavatory and out of the apartment to go to his dorm room and crai. Once he arrived at dorm, went into his room, and fell onto his bed face first, and went to sleep.


	3. Tuesday's Trichomoniasis

Chapter 3: Tuesday's Trichomoniasis

Doom guy woke up from his sobbing induced stasis and decided he wanted to clean up his bathroom from Nicholas cages shenanigans.

All of a sudden, there was a knock at front door

Doomguy went to the door and kicked it open

At the door stood a very startled Knuckles, his four headed meat sword out for the whole world to see.

Doomguy truly only loved four things in life, guns, violence, meat, and swords, and because of this he took knuckles sword and thanked knuckles with a firm grunt and handed knuckles a small bag of assorted coins and sent knuckles on his way.

As Doomguy was walking away, he heard a knock again and Knuckles say in his thick Ugandan accent, "I'm your new roommate, so let me in and give me back my penis!"

Doomguy hated a lot of things but two of the things he hated the most was people trying to be his roommate and people trying to take his stuff (master chief is only his roommate because doomguy owed chief a favor) so doomguy promptly pounded knuckles to death with the four headed meat sword.

Doomguy dusted his hands off and went back into his room, but the moment he stepped into his room, someone said, "is this room 666B?"

Doomguy swiftly spun around and clubbed the person at the door with the four headed meat sword.

"Shit, that hurt!" responded Sonichu

Doomguy could smell knuckles semen on sonichu and could tell sonichu was just a whore looking for knuckles so doomguy shoved the four headed meat sword as far down sonichus throat as he could and then punted sonichu out the nearest window

He lowkey missed the sword, but he would not stand for poor whores at doors looking to score.

"I'M STILL ALIVE! MY DADDY/GAY LOVER CHRIS CHAN MADE ME INVINCIBLE, SO ILL SEE TONIGHT, ROOMIE!" screamed Sonichu. Doomguy decided to check his Email.

Doomguy checked his email and saw nothing of interest and decided to research how to kill the invincible and after through research he found a way

All of a sudden, he heard a ding from his cumpooter and checked the email, which stated that 75% of the university's staff were actually were-penises, which meant that every full moon the staff would turn into big floppy wieners.

Doomguy thought that was an excellent opportunity to swiftly sever some shaft staffs souls and discuss the decent destruction of the demanding dick dictator-esque academic delegates with the dear doctors who he actually enjoyed having as professors

Doomguy then realized he would need Sonichu's help to survive the frightening flaccid phalluses.

What his plan was, was to use the whores horrific head as a heavy hammer and horribly wack the weighty weeniers

And with that objective in mind, he set off to find Sonichu.

Or at least enough of the prostitutes body to fashion into a weapon.

He walked out of the dorm building and into the nearby forest students and faculty use to do heroin and LSD

Surely all of the schools whores would be in the forest.

Just then, Doomgay remember that he had to cover Stacy for her shift at Panera, so he put on his work uniform and headed over to Panera.

Doomgay called his cousin doomguy and asked if he wanted to meet at Panera for lunch.

Doomguy was feeling the rumbles in his stomach, and chicken noodle soup served in a bread bowl sounded killer to him

So doomguy and his cousin had a delicious lunch and doomgay got back to work and doomguy went about his way to do what he was aiming to do in the first place.


	4. Doomguy Finally Watches Sausage Party (

Chapter 4: Doomguy Finally Watches Sausage Party (While High On Class 3 Drugs)

So doomguy went home from Panera and searched for his copy of the most atrocious and vile film ever, sausage party, but doomguy could not find it anywhere. After his five minute search, he suddenly remembered he left it in his DVD player that rested under his TV, so he turned on the TV and watched Sausage Party with no interruptions.


	5. Catastrophe

Chapter 5: Catastrophe

Doomguy work up from his sausage party length nap and decided it was time to kick some ass.

However, when he woke up it was midnight, so there were giant floppy dicks bouncing around.

Doomguy promptly grabbed as many weapons as he could and swiftly proceeded to rip and tear.

Doomguy approached a saggy old white penis and stepped on its right testicle, and then tore its head off, sending blood and cum everywhere. A nearby yellow penis slightly disliked this, so it hissed at Doomguy, its foreskin frilling up to the sides of its head like that one kind of dinosaur from Jurassic Park.

Doomguy pulled out his super shotgun and destroyed the disgusting dangly dong and proceeded to follow through with his plan. After much thinking Doomguy remembered where that whore sonichu, or at least the remains of it, would be. Doomguy headed towards the forest of prostitutes and pinpricks.

However, a huge twelve foot tall black phallus appeared right in front of Doomguy after he only walked 10 steps!

Doomguy swiftly pulled out his chainsaw and sawed the dangerous dark dick in half and in quite decent time and then proceeded to walk through the remains.

Doomguy found himself surrounded by the pyschotic meat missiles that seemed dead set on impaling Doomguy; fortunately, Doomgay arrived.

Doomgay and Doomguy fought viciously, and almost lost the fight, but in the end the two stood proud and triumphant over the massive pile of dead penises.

All of a sudden, several slow claps rang out, it was Dumbledore, the dean of the college of science.

Doomguy and doomgay stared in awe.

Doomguy and doomgay were quite surprised that dumbledore had arrived, last they knew him and Gandalf were on a vacation going through the Kama Sutra.

"So sorry about the were-penis outbreak! Gandolf and I were researching werepenises to see if we can use them to spice up our sex lives, but we fucked up. Unfortunately as a result of your massacre, we are going to have to cancel school indefinitely due to us being short on staff." Dumbledore stated.

Doomgay grunted in such a way that meant "well those staffs sure weren't short" and then doomguy gave him a high five.

Doomguy and his shitty pink recolor cousin skipped back to there respective living quarters to pack their things.

Once doomguy got back to his dorm he completely forgot what he needed to be doing and sat down on a wooden chair to think.

He then remembered he had to go back home. Unfortunately, Doomguy had no family waiting for him at his house in Texas.

One day when Doomguy was know as Doomboy, his entire family was gang raped, murdered, and then had their Roblox accounts hacked by a pack of imps. Doomguy swiftly found a bottle of miscellaneous alcohol and poured it on his head to absorb it into his suit.

Doomguy then jumped into bed and stared at his ceiling until he fell asleep.


	6. The COVID-19 Special!

Doom guy woke up and took a hot steamy shit, the sort of shit thatd make a adult sauna jealous, and rose epically from his porcelain throne. He was quite bored with the situation he found himself in. Even with his muscles for days and impenetrable preator armor, he was not immune to the 'rona.

"Oh fuck", Doomguy mind talked in his head, " l better go get some toilet paper to help with my corona"

Doomguy then walked into the living room to see an igloo of toilet paper, followed by Master Chief popping his head out of the entrance like a gopher

He wanted to bop his gopher for sure

"Sup bitch?" Asked Master Chief

Doomguy grunted.

Still, Doomguy needed toilet paper, so he decided to politely ask for some in grunt language

Master chief stared at doomguy blankly

Doomguy then remembered he used to be able to talk and asked Chief again in Hulk language

They both screamed and understood

(because that's totally how roommates talk to each other)

Still, Master Chief, being the greedy capitalist pig he his, decided to keep all his toilet paper since it may become the next coin

"God damnit..." Doomguy thought, "Now I have to go to Walmart and be around all those white people"

And so doomguy went to college to get a degree in marketing went to Walmart to get some toilet paper for his dank butthole when the 'rona hits

Doomguy grabbed one of those small shopping baskets and proceeded to make his way towards the toilet paper isle

He skipped

When there, he saw nothing but the naked metal of the shelves

"F-word", mumbled Doom Guy

But then out of the corner of his vision, he saw a single package of the paper you use to wipe your butt

He did a goddamn cannonball to get it. He then finally grabbed it with his fantastic platforming skills that would make even Mario orgasm

Mario orgasmed in the distance

However, Doomguy heard the sound of Mio Honda approaching the isle. Mio Honda was jamming to tubthumping by chumbawumba and his fat rolls were bouncing sweat so far it hit doom guy on his helmet

"Stay at least six feet away from me you Asian fuck!" Doomguy screamed at the fat Asian gentleman who has body image issues

Mio Honda huffed away

the camera then cuts to 10 hours later, where Mio Honda is sitting naked in his shower questioning every life event that led him down the path of gluttony and despair

Mio then decided that instead of continuing down his path of gluttony and despair, he'll instead start working out and making gasmasks for cats so they don't get corona


	7. Chapter 7: Doomguy Get's an Internship

Doomguy just got a internship at a company online. He would have gone in person but the rona made the employees spooked out to high hell

The internship was working as an analyst in the stonk market. To receive his first task, he had to enter a Zoom chat with his supervisor Kronk (from the emperors new groove)

Supervisor kronk's zoomchat, the zoom chat with supervisor kronk, the zoom chat specifically containing supervisor Kronk, kronks zoom

He got on to meet the hot image of Kronk making his spinach puffs fully nude, his penis glistening like the moon and shit

And damn did kronks crank gleam

"Oh hai" said Kronk in a seductive tone

Doomguy got hard

"I don't actually need ya to do anything today, I already got the other intern working on it. Let me add him real quick"

Kronk added a person to the zoom chat, and it was one of the Imps who killed his family, raped them, and hacked their Roblox accounts!

DOOMGUY FLIPPED THE FUK OUT

"YOU... IMMA GOIN TO GET YA IP ADDRESS AND FIND OUT WHERE YOU LIVE! THEN IMMA GOIN TO KILL YA"

Said Doomguy angrily

The imp laughed gleefully and called him a faggot

it was at that moment Doomguy realized he couldn't carry through with his threat, as he was a Marketing major instead of a computer science major. Penis farts!

"Wait..." thought Doomguy, "I went to another frat party not too long ago and met a cumpooter science major named PS2 Hagrid"

A devious plan went through dooms head, and a ripple of energy through his veins

Doomguy got out his iPhone 69+ and called up that cumpooper nerd ps2 hagrid

"Sup my homie g, wanna play some RuneScape?" Asked PS2 Hagrid

Doomguy was tempted but knew there was work to be done

"Sorry bud, have to do shit. Say, can you find out where this little bitch lives with his IP address?"

Ps2 Hagrid put on his sick war gaming sunglasses and Mountain Dew baseball cap and got to work faster than a my dad left my mom after a pregnancy test

Doomguy then decided to go on Facebook to react to everything with the new care emoji until PS2 Hagrid finished his job

"It's done" Hagrid ominously said in an ominous tone

Doom guy shuddered and came

now that he had the imp's irl address, he can now enact his revenge

So doom guy got to preparing his revenge,


End file.
